Getting ok with weight gain
Friday, May 28, 2010 at 12:08PM Q. How do you get to the point where you are OK with the weight gain in recovery? I hate my body more than I did before and it is causing me to be depressed, turn to other self-soothing behaviors, and actually question if I really want recovery or not.
A. This is a tough one for everyone in recovery, isn't it! Part of getting okay with weight gain is giving your brain enough time to get caught up with your body's changes. Studies have shown that anorexia causes a shrink in brain tissue size and density, but a return to stabilized nutrition reverses that shrinkage. So the brain, which includes the vision and sensory perceptions we use to relate to ourselves, our bodies, and the world, is recovering too. Your eyes will continue to "see" with Ed's eyes for a time, and during that time the weight restoration will feel particularly intense emotionally.
Like anything else, it is just a patience game, really. You have to get used to your new healthy body, working daily to appreciate aspects like increased energy level, more mental focus, greater inspiration to get back out there and volunteer and be in relationships with people and be appreciated (and appreciate) for all that a human being is. Remembering why you are in recovery is a huge part of combatting the depression - we choose recovery so we can live without being focused on the body and the scale and the numbers, so get involved i n things that are on your list to do "once you have recovered" - don't wait! Start doing them now. Wanting recovery is an action item - we have to continually remind ourselves of why we chose recovery in the first place.
It is also important to continue to stay in close touch with our treatment team right through to the moment we can look in the mirror and say "I love my body and my life!" It is often tempting to back away from that intense work with our support team as we get past the critical stabilization stage, but that is actually when the real work begins. Our brain is healthy enough to do more complex thinking and reasoning, we are stable enough to begin confronting and working through difficult emotions and memories, and our body is strong enough to support us as we do so. So continue to cultivate recovery-minded relationships with professional and lay support team members and stick close as you work through this next phase of your recovery process.
I do wish there was an easy answer to this question - "here are three easy steps to love your weight stabilized body right now!" If other readers have ideas I'd love to hear them too. But for me, it happened over time, gradually, and I was so determined to kick Ed's butt no matter what and not let him have the last say that I didn't care if I hated my body. I had hated it before - I still hated it - but at least now I was hating it AND beating Ed, and that was better than being a victim and a slave to the eating disorder anyday in my book.
You WILL get there - there WILL be a day when you see yourself in a mirror and think "wow - I look really pretty! I like how I look!" IF you persevere now, even when you are questioning and are not sure you want recovery, IF you continue to persevere that day will come. If I can do it you can too.
question answered by Shannon
Reader Comments (2)
I was reading the article on getting comfortable with weight gain. In that you state the importance of staying connected to the treatment team even once the weight is gained. I totally support that but insurance does not. As soon as I start to gain a little or stay the same insurance sees this as getting healthy and okay to leave. Then I'm out on my own trying to live in a new body that I can't stand. I quickly revert to exercise and other coping strategies and usually end up going back to restricting. I wish I could find a program that would stay with while I get comfortable in the new body an all the body memories start to surface. I have a therapist which is good, but I really could use the ongoing group support and shared meals. Seems like many of the free support groups are gone. The online ones I find difficult. The chat doesn't seem to get at the feeling level for me.
"You WILL get there - there WILL be a day when you see yourself in a mirror and think "wow - I look really pretty! I like how I look!" IF you persevere now, even when you are questioning and are not sure you want recovery, IF you continue to persevere that day will come. If I can do it you can too".
Thank you for your words. They are so encouraging and inspiring. Thank you for sharing your strength Shannon.