Getting "off the fence" of recovery

Q. How do you "get off the fence" of recovery?  I wish I could be 100% dedicated to recovery.

A. The way I got off the fence was when the fence dumped me off. I lost everything and that was the moment in which I woke up. All the work I do now is to try to help others answer that question before they have to experience the rude awakening that I went through, but there is no one simple answer to that question and it takes each person the time it takes.

In my book "Beating Ana", in the chapter called "The Key to Life", I encourage you to take a good hard look at what you are living for. What matters to you? Why do you get up in the morning - surely it is not because you are looking forward to spending another day with Ed! What did you dream of being or becoming when you were little? What will you regret never having seen or done or been when it is your time to pass? What have you already lost  because of your eating disorder that you want back?

These types of contemplations I call "finding your key to life". A 'key to life' is the one thing (or things) you want MORE than the comfort and 'support' the eating disorder provides.

The toughest part of recovery for me came in that moment when I was dumped off the fence and realized that there was no way - absolutely no way at all - that I was going to ever be able to get everything I wanted. In other words, I wasn't going to be able to look like the latest supermodel and also be able to have the strength and energy to pursue my own dreams. Those two goals were literally incompatible.

Once I realized that, sitting there on the ground watching all my dreams of being a professional musician disappearing before my eyes, I had to grieve. I grieved so hard - I wanted it all! I wanted to be very thin AND be a musician and feel good about myself and have relationships and enjoy life and all that and more too! No one had ever told me I couldn't have everything I wanted - I mean, they might have tried, but I didn't believe them.

Sitting there on the ground, after having to withdraw from college and lose all my credit hours and go back home to live with mom and dad at age 18....it sank in. I grieved so much, I threw my temper tantrums, I sulked and pouted and gave up and decided to die and then.....I got back up.

There is just only so long we can sit there on the ground before we eventually have to get back up. We are programmed to survive. But we have to grieve our choices before we can really make them.

So I would encourage you to look at the two choices in front of you. Keep your eating disorder....or pursue your key to life. Look at those two choices until you can clearly see how incompatible they are. Understand and visualize how one is choosing to live, and one is choosing to die. Get a piece of paper and write each choice down - one on each side. List out the pros and cons of each choice (and there will be pros and cons to each - remember, there is a reason it is hard to choose recovery. The eating disorder in its own odd way has been a very loyal 'friend'!)

Then, make your decision. In "Beating Ana" I encourage you to write out a Statement of Intent to Recover - you can do that and tape it somewhere you always see it. Once you make your decision carry a journal with you everywhere and use it when you feel indecisive about what to do. Write down what you are struggling with and ask yourself which choice your decision will further. For instance, having lunch or not having lunch. Will choosing to have lunch get you closer to your 'key to life' or keep you close to your eating disorder? This makes it much easier to understand the power of each choice, and using this approach you can solidify your commitment to whatever choice you make (and I hope it is for recovery-remember, if I could recover, you can too!!)

xo

Shannon