Reaching for more on the path to recovery

Q. I have been working on full complete recovery from ED for 23 yrs. I have always reached the functional and physical health point but never got beyond that. How can I remind myself that there is more and how do I prevent myself from taking one step forward and one step back resulting in the status quo?

A. In my own experience, I have found that impatience is the biggest obstacle to recovery progress. It is so difficult to wait - we can see more, we know others who have gone further and achieved more, and yet here we are....still plodding along. This is why comparisons do NOT work. Our journey is unique, just like the reasons why we developed our eating disorder and the reasons why we want to get better are unique.

I have a feeling you do not actually have any trouble reminding yourself there is more, because you wrote to me, and because you are so aware that the more you are seeking is not the same as the place where you currently find yourself. But it is still helpful to keep visual reminders nearby of what that "more" is - I like to use a visualization board (for me this is a posterboard I keep near my desk with pictures and words that speak to me about what I want my life post-recovery to be about and look like). It is also helpful to say daily affirmations that remind you of why you are choosing to do the hard work of recovery and what in life you will gain when your eating disorder is no longer a major player in your life.

Beyond that, it is not possible to avoid taking the one step forward and one step back until you become strong enough in your recovery coping skills to be able to choose consciously in each moment not to return to the eating disordered thoughts and coping skills. To combat this in my own recovery work, I have taught myself to congratulation myself for the smallest of victories, the tiniest of positive choices. I have also taught myself to commiserate with myself when I fall short of my own goals, to sympathize and empathize with my feelings when I am disappointed with my progress - in short, to be a friend to myself the way I would be a friend to someone else who was struggling similarly.

Recovering is like aligning the wheels on your car. If all four wheels are not in alignment, it is very hard for the car to drive forward in a straight line! Your body, mind, emotions, and spirit/heart must all be in alignment in order for the one step forward, one step back to become two steps forward, one step back, and then one day two steps forward and only the occasional step back.

It is also important to define what recovery means to you, and what it looks like. Having an unrealistic definition for recovery is setting yourself up for failure. Talking to others, and also asking your mentor and treatment team for input, can be helpful. At some point I chose to define "recovery" for myself as "remission". Remission to me means that the danger is past - for now. But I never know what life will hand me, and I may or may not have the skills each new situation and relationship requires right in the moment the challenge appears. For this reason, I always have to be vigilant,  and keep my relationships with supportive others strong, so that if I find one day that I am unreasonably triggered, I can quickly realize I am in danger of a return to the eating disordered thoughts and behaviors to cope (commonly called a "relapse" but more accurately an opportunity for new learning and growth) and reach out to my support team for help.