How can I help my MentorCONNECT mentee change an "I can't" into an "I can"?
Saturday, April 17, 2010 at 05:09PM Q. My mentee is struggling with persistent fear and doubt that she will ever be able to make the changes she needs to make to be free from the eating disorder. I try to suggest all sorts of things - journaling exercises, reading assignments, anything I can think of - but we get just so close and then she withdraws into "I can't" again. What can I do to help her change an "I can't" into an "I can"?
A. This is a common problem that many mentors encounter. And certainly our mentees are very aware of the struggle between "I can't" and "I can" as well! One exercise I have used in my own recovery, and later with with my own mentees as well, that has been very helpful is to practice changing every "I can't" into an "I won't". This gives some power of hope to the statement of "I can't" - which if left alone speaks loudly of hopelessness.
Changing an "I can't" into an "I won't" also helps your mentee realize that there are very few things in life we "can't" do - but many we are simply afraid to try. Fear does not equal "I can't". But fear does require support in order to feel strong enough to "feel the fear and do it anyway". In changing "I can't" to "I won't", your mentee feels the release of loneliness that the eating disorder voice insists upon. By admitting that an "I can't" is really an "I won't", your mentee shares her secret with one other person - her mentor (you!) - and gains support to confront that fear and move forward into the change that needs to take place in order for recovery to occur.
By first changing an "I can't" into an "I won't", you help your mentee build a bridge from "I can't" to "I can" - and then you walk beside her each step of the way.
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