How do you know when you are ready for recovery?

Q. How do you know when you are truly ready to embrace recovery, rather than just going through the motions almost - attending appointments, working on food/meal plans, etc.  My treatment team has told me that inpatient may be an important (i.e. needed) option . . . but I am not sure how beneficial it will be if I can't completely committ myself to believing in recovery?

A. This is a great question - without a uniform answer. We human beings are an interesting breed - we have hope, which gifts us with the ability to make amazing leaps into the unknown on the sheer strength of what we are longing for. And we have fear, which can keep us hanging back long after it has become personally unsafe to do so.

So the answer to your question for you personally (as for all of us) lies somewhere in the middle of those two - hope and fear.

I can share that for me, I was truly ready for recovery when I realized that even the worst unknown could not possibly be more hellacious than the known reality that my eating disorder had stripped my life of anything that brought me meaning, joy, and connection, and I just decided it was going to be death or recovery for me. Period, the end.

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Do you have any advice to handle self-blame?

Q. I have been in recovery for two years, and for some of that time I stopped going because I was tired of it and thought I was recovered enough. I have come a very long way and may go months without any trouble, but when ED is triggered I question how far I really have come. Lately I have blamed myself for relapse and interpret anything anyone in my support group says as blame. I think it might be just because I feel this way myself, but I feel that my support group must be tired of hearing about it. Feeling that way has made me try as hard as I can to deny the trouble with eating that I have so I don't let other people down. Anyway, I found your website very motivating.  Do you have any advice regarding the self blame?

A. Self-blame is a tough one, isn't it.

The reason I have personally found self-blame so hard to overcome is because for so long it masqueraded as self-help.

What I mean by that is, the voice (my voice) that was blaming me would say things like, "I'm just trying to help" or "I'm just telling you for your own good". It was like a teacher whom you suspect really doesn't like you very much, but is still trying to do her job of making you someone she thinks would be a better person.

So after awhile I had to just stop listening. Nothing else worked. When I argued with it, it argued back, and often won. When I did the opposite, it got louder. When I ignored it, it turned on the bully's charm and tried to get my attention back.

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What was the single most important aspect of your recovery?

Q. What was the single most important aspect of your recovery?

A. Hands-down it was my desire to recover that most clearly influenced the outcome of my recovery work.

I wanted to recover - wanted it more than anything.

I just wanted to know that I could (in the early days, I told myself that after I proved it to myself that I could actually recover, I could always go back to the eating disorder, or just call it a day if life still sucked).

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I Just Need Some Encouragement

Q. I just need encouragement to get started!

A. I understand how challenging it can feel to look at where you are now, look at where you want to go, and perceive the "great divide" that exists in between.

But the challenge here is to remind yourself that:

1. You really don't KNOW how long it will take to get from where you are to where you dream of going
2. It really isn't about the length of time, but the depth of what you are able to learn

Life is hard for each of us - we all struggle with something. This is a point I continue to emphasize over and over and over again through the years, because it is important to understand that we truly are not alone in our struggles.

We may be just starting down the path of recovering from an eating disorder. Our neighbor may be just starting down the path to healing after a diagnosis of cancer. Our best friend may be just beginning the road to recovery after a painful breakup or a divorce. Our co-worker may be working their way through the first steps to surviving the loss of a child.

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How do I know that recovery is possible for me?

Q. I have been struggling to recover from my anorexia for so many years now. I am really discouraged. I read all the books I can get my hands on and I attend weekly support groups and I have a full treatment team, but I am still struggling so much. How do I know that recovery is possible not just for other people but for me too?

A. This is one of the most frequently asked questions I have received in the many years I have been doing this work. The moment a person first gets even the tiniest experience of what recovery might be like, our imaginations kick into high gear and we start to perceive this giant mountain of work we have to do in order to get from "here" (wherever we are right now) to "there" (whatever we imagine 'recovered' will be like).

In my work running MentorCONNECT (nonprofit mentoring community for eating disorders) I have had the privilege of meeting and working with so many recovered persons. Not one single person I have ever met who has recovered described an experience of waking up one day and just being "recovered". It was a very, VERY gradual process for all of us.

So today you are quite likely more recovered than you were yesterday - I always like to say that if you are still breathing, still waking up in the morning, still fighting, then you are definitely making progress too! - but you may not be aware of it.

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How do I become a recovery mentor?

Q. Hello! I have recently recovered from an eating disorder. My therapist recommended that I consider becoming a mentor. I really want a chance to help people who are going through what I've been through. I know how difficult it is and I'd like to be able to make it easier for them. If you could give me more information about becoming a mentor that would be great. Thanks!

A. Becoming a volunteer mentor is one of the most rewarding ways to give back in gratitude and also stay strong in your own recovery. MentorCONNECT, the non-profit I founded to connect recovered persons who want to be mentors with recovering persons who want mentors, is a great way to get involved (although of course it is not the only way to become a mentor!)

On MentorCONNECT, we require our caring volunteer mentor candidates to have achieved 12 consecutive months of strong recovery themselves (defined as "largely free from eating disordered thoughts and coping behaviors"). This is because mentoring a recovering person can be a triggering experience if you are still very new in your own recovery, and first and foremost, we want to safeguard each MentorCONNECT member's own recovery.

You can read through the application and learn more about applying to serve as a MentorCONNECT volunteer mentor on our website: www.mentorconnect-ed.org

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How do I share my story with others?

Q. Hi - I am writing to let you know I have conquered ED!!! It was a long 2 decade fight. There were many times when I just said "just let me die"  and I had no more fight left.  I tried one more time.  I was able to begin the long road that is recovery. In my last and final treatment center, the staff reached out to me as no one had ever done so freely. When the insurance company pooped out, there lovely caring people offered for me to stay on and complete my treatment absolutely free! Fast forward, I am in strong recovery and I would love to be a mentor,coach,friend, to others. I like to quote George Eliot~It is never too late to become the person you might have been. I extend my hand.

A. It is always such a moving and beautiful experience when I witness the desire to give back awakening in a recovered person's heart. This is how I first began volunteering my time as a mentor in 2003, and out of that experience grew the founding of MentorCONNECT and the international network the organization offers to connect mentors who are recovered with mentees who are still struggling to recover.

So I would love to invite you to apply to serve as one of MentorCONNECT's caring volunteer mentors. Please feel welcome to visit us and learn more at www.mentorconnect-ed.org.

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Will I ever find freedom from my eating disorder?

Q. I feel like I will never have freedom from this eating disorder...and I don't want to let go....but I do at the same time....Its like apart of me. Its like a drug in a away ? I guess you could say...but I do want to get better. I'm just having a hard time right now. Where do I start ? well I guess I started by admitting I do have a problem with food and vomitting is not the best choice or decission...so I stopped vomitting...I actually have not threw up my food in about a week and a half....so now Im just eating EVERYTHING IN SIGHT !!! OKAY SO WHAT NEXT ?? i DON'T KNOW........i FEEL TRAPPED... i WANT OUT. BAD.

A. Recovery is hard work. The biggest step forward I made in recovery is realizing that it is not supposed to be easy. But I also realized that it couldn't possibly be any harder to recover than it was to stay sick - and that's when I realized that even if recovery was the hardest thing I would ever do, it would still be worth it.

I believe that you want to get better. I also believe you have what it takes to get better. Once you realize that you won't get better overnight - just like you didn't get sick overnight - you may be able to take some of the pressure off yourself and just recover day by day, doing the tiny little things you can do that will add up to bigger successes over time. I kept a journal and wrote down every tiny step I took - every little idea I tried - and that was really motivational to me, especially as I saw how hard I really was trying and how I was making small progress.

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What can a mentor offer to my recovery?

Q. I have been thinking about joining MentorCONNECT, but I am not really sure what a mentor is or what having a mentor can add to my recovery.

A. This is a great question. If you have read my story in "Beating Ana", you probably already know that I achieved my recovery from a 15-year battle with anorexia and bulimia largely through the help and support of mentors. While I would never recommend mentoring as a substitute or replacement for the professional and medical necessary for the treatment of eating disorders, the fact still remains that having recovery mentors to support me at each step along the way changed my life and gave me hope that I could recover no matter how little support I could find elsewhere.

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How do you talk to your family about your eating disorder?

Q. How do you talk to your family about your eating disorder? It seems like my mom just sends me to therapy, to the next professional, etc. but will never talk about it with me or acknowledge it.  It's a forbidden subject in our house.

A. Talking to family about your struggles with an eating disorder can feel overwhelming and scary. It is always scary when you are opening up to another person about something that is very private and personal, whether that person is a friend, a stranger, or a family member. This is normal and to be expected.

So to make it easier, remember two things. One, share only what you feel comfortable sharing. And two, share just enough to let your family know you are struggling - do not overwhelm them with information.

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