ANSWER: Hi – I think your question is fantastic, and your heart shows through so clearly as I'm reading both your description of the problem and your dream of resolution. It is so beautiful when we can love through the pain. It is the work of a lifetime to find a way to love someone who matters to us even when we envy something they have that we perceive that we do not.

‘People say’…now isn’t that just about the most dangerous ring we can step into? If we decide to give credit and value to what others say about us, we’d better be prepared to strap on our boxing gloves and go at it on our own behalf. One rule of thumb that has helped me tremendously over the years is to remember that what other people say generally says a lot more about THEM than it does about me, even if it appears on the surface that I am the recipient of their feedback. People only have the eyes to see a lack in others that they can first see in themselves. And people who are unwilling to do the work of accepting themselves sometimes turn their energy instead to recruiting others to join them in their misery. Anyone who cruelly shares feedback with you about your appearance, and then goes a step further to compare you with your sister, is someone whose company you want to carefully avoid in the future. Furthermore, you must learn how to respond to these people with firmness and compassion, letting them know that their feedback is unwelcome and unnecessary.

If you want to preserve and protect your relationship with your sister, this is the way to do it. A simple, direct look in the eye and a short statement like, ‘My sister and I see beauty and accomplishment in one another. We are very proud of each other and very close’ should suffice to get the point across. If the person continues, distance is the most polite way to end the conversation. Do what you need to do to get away from them and their negative feedback - FAST!

Now, about how you feel about you. The most important thing to realize is that if you say ‘things will always be this way’ then they always will. What you have to decide is whether you really believe that, and whether you are okay with things being like that. If you are, then you have made the decision (which is of course reversible at any time) that you are powerless and stuck. That is a scary place to live from. However, if you don’t feel willing to accept that version of ‘reality’, and you wish things could be different, then you have restored your sense of power and control over your own destiny. And that is where you need to be in order to make any progress with this issue in your life.

If you are 100% satisfied with your level of fitness, health, and accomplishment, then the biggest task ahead of you is to increase your appreciation of yourself and your own beauty and allow your sister to do the same. However, if there are areas where other people’s comments sting because they hit a little too close to home, then ask yourself what you need to look at and work on. Do you need to start a healthy eating and exercise program? Do you need a counselor to talk to, someone who can help you really identify and practice YOUR talents and gifts and express yourself as a unique individual? Is there any reason besides the obvious genetic bond that causes people to compare you to your sister? Are you letting your pain over not being more like your sister stop you from learning to be like YOU? When you say she is gorgeous and you are ‘fat and ugly’, have you allowed that to become part of your identity? There is no way to feel good about yourself when you honestly believe that that is who you are.

What do you need to do to change your perception of yourself, to find and express your beauty and your gifts and talents? What can you do – right now – to take hold of your own dreams and go for them? Do you want to feel beautiful? What can you do – use your imagination and think of what you can do today that will help you start feeling more beautiful, desirable and talented. What is holding you back? Are you letting feelings of negativity and low self-esteem rob you of your immense power to create the life of your dreams? Are you choosing to throw up your hands and tell yourself ‘this is just the way it will always be – these are the cards I was dealt’? There is no way to truly love your sister and protect your relationship with her if you are not already hard at work preserving, protecting and improving your relationship with yourself.

Feel free to keep in touch with me, and with the Good News community, and let us know how you are doing. Why don’t you start by making a ‘wish list’ of your dream life – all the elements from relationships to career to hobbies to personal growth. Next, create a list of action items that you can start working on. Identify areas where you have a wish and an action item but you either don’t know how to accomplish it, or you need the help of someone else to reach your goals. And as much as possible, even when unwelcome outside feedback is given, turn your attention completely to appreciating, empowering, motivating and inspiring yourself to be the best you that you can be. Your sister has her hands full being her, and she has her own secret fears and insecurities – that is what it means to be human. So focus on dealing with yourself and your life and simply resolve to love her, but do not identify or compare yourself with her in any way. You are utterly different and unique – you are the only you there ever was, is, or ever will be. So really you have no basis for comparison – who and how you are IS the right way to be for you!

Much love -

Shannon

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