Understanding the Language of Self-Harm

When we first enter recovery, it can be reassuringly tempting to focus so heavily on the means that we forget about the end – the result or reason why we ever undertook this strenuous journey in the first place. We have so many more supportive books, websites, movies, workbooks, and groups available today to support us in our recovery than we ever have before. We do not have to battle it out on such a large scale any more to gain a foothold of understanding and compassion from those around us. Society has made accommodation for the phenomenon known as ‘recovery’ and has even given it a unique place and status in popular culture. Today, regular visits to therapists, psychiatrists, and other treatment professionals is a part of common conversation and raises few eyebrows. It can even be considered ‘cool’ among the under-informed to have an issue serious enough to warrant regular, sustained professional medical attention.

Yet, last month I gave a talk to a group of youth, parents and leaders about an aspect of recovery still laboring under what appears to be the last vestiges of gross misunderstanding, fear and loathing – Self-Injury. Even as celebrities as prominent as Angelina Jolie, Princess Diana, Johnny Depp and Marilyn Manson have confessed publicly to past or ongoing struggles with this disorder, self-harm (also known as self-mutilation or self-injury) has not yet moved out into the warmth and social acceptance of the recovery limelight. Those who struggle with this particular brand of coping mechanism continue to be actively shunned, condemned, mistreated, blamed and shamed in a way that those of us with eating and related disorders are only now beginning to be released from. During the presentation last weekend, I shared with the audience that we live in a casually violence-happy society, where it is of no mention to routinely watch a serial killer rampage through a city on network tv. And yet when we hear of someone slicing into their forearm or burning their skin with a cigarette lighter, we cringe and shudder with a horror and non-comprehension that is not nearly so far beyond our grasp as we might prefer to think.

I have lost count of the number of times I have said this over the years, but the fact remains - we all have something. We all struggle with something. Regardless of how alien the means may appear, the end goal is always the same – to attain a feeling of peace, of sanctuary, of safe haven from the unknowns, the fears, the uncertainties, aches and pains in our own lives and the lives going on simultaneously around us. And we all have the same choices when it comes to how we deal with the monster within. We can choose to continue to seek our end goal through unhealthy, self-negating means. Or we can challenge ourselves to wake up to the self-damaging behaviors we are engaged in, and then make a new choice to learn a different way to handle what life throws at us. Often when we first learned how to cope with life through restricting, binging, purging, over-exercising, slicing, burning or cutting, or any other variety of toxic means at our disposal, we were not consciously aware of the road we had chosen and its inevitable destination.

But once we wake up to the reality of what we are doing to ourselves, and the consequences behind the means we have chosen, we then lose our ability to explain our continuing use of them away. We cannot explain to ourselves or to others in our lives why we are awake and aware and STILL DOING THE SAME THINGS. And, what is worse, not only do we lack the explanation, we often seem to lack the willpower to cease and desist from harming ourselves further when we are already in so much pain.

Many of you know my story – while I never physically self-harmed from the standpoint of picking up a knife or match or other object of self-harm, I certainly earned a Ph.D. in self-starvation, binging and purging. And I struggled – oh, how I struggled – with the depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, codependency and borderline mental issues that accompanied and enhanced my struggle. I suffered additionally because at the time I became critically ill from my anorexia and bulimia, eating disorders were still as foreign to popular culture as self-injuring behaviors are now, and the lack of support and understanding almost suffocated me with hopelessness.

And yet I survived. I somehow managed, through sheer perseverance, determination, trial and error, to dig myself out of the deep, dark hole I had fallen into. It took almost ten years of dedicated, individually-driven and largely error-laden efforts to get to where I am today. And I am still working out the kinks to this day. My journey could have – should have – been much shorter, much more expertly directed, and much less alone. But it wasn’t. And I still made it through the most difficult phases and emerged to build a life that I am largely proud of today. I am a true work-in-progress who takes at least one positive forward step each and every day, and makes sure to affirm herself for doing so. My eating disorder has been replaced by a worthwhile life, a life I believe everyone has the right and should have the chance to live.

So whatever it is – whether it is a mood disorder, an eating disorder, self-harming behaviors, or another brand of mental issue that we face – recovery CAN BE DONE. It is out there, waiting for each of us to value it enough to never give up until we achieve it for ourselves. It is just as difficult for a self-harmer to put down the knife or the lighter as it is for a binger to put the chip clip back on the Cheetos bag or for a restrictor/purger to open her mouth, chew and swallow (and keep down) a bite of food. And since the reasons why we do these self-injurious things to ourselves are as individual and complex as our own fingerprints, the challenge we face in ending these behaviors holds the same difficulty level for all. There is not one brand of self-harm that is more devastating, more frightening, less acceptable or ‘okay’, than another. There is not one type of self-harmer who is more or less deserving of care, compassion, understanding and support. There is not one level of self-harm that is more difficult to comprehend than the others. There is not one group of victims who deserve to be accepted, nurtured and rehabilitated, and another group who does not deserve these simple gifts of humanity.

We all self-harm – we with the eating disorders, the substance abuse, the codependency, the alcoholism, the toxic relationships. We are all in that same sinking ship together. And we as society-at-large must cease and desist from reacting with voyeuristic horror to new information coming to light about those of us who self-harm with needles, knives, flames, and other physical implements, because ultimately it is just another shade of the same pain. We must extend courtesy, compassion and care to one another, and our loved ones must work hard as well to stretch open their minds to understand, if not the behaviors themselves, at least the underlying reasons why they are occurring, and what can be done to help someone who is hurting so visibly on the outside to attempt to manage an unending pain on the inside.

We work together – this is how we get there. This is how we heal. This is how we recover. This is how we earn our right to stand in the light of courage amongst very good company. If I can do it, you can do it. If you can do it, I can do it. This is what we all need to hear, to spur us on to greater and greater success in our collective recovery journey. And furthermore, it is the TRUTH.

For more on warning signs for self-harming behaviors click HERE. For more on how you can help a loved one who self-harms click HERE. For more on celebrities who self-harm click HERE. For suggested web resources for self-harmers click HERE. To comment on this article or share your story, click HERE.

Much love,

Shannon

If you would like to submit a question or idea for a topic you would like to see addressed in a future edition, please send it to Shannon c/o Good News HERE