Cultivating Support

This week on the Behind this Mask: there is someone real online support community, a member wrote in to ask other members for help and advice about what to do when friends and family don’t seem to be willing or available to offer support. How many of us can relate? I know of no one who has been through the fire of an eating disorder who has not encountered silence, resistance, withdrawal, ignorance. And yet there is also a catch-22 at work, because it is sometimes difficult to determine whether the support is not being offered, or whether we are just not allowing ourselves to be supported!

For what it is worth, I have found over the years that there are two fairly consistent and predictable reasons why friends and family members may seem to be initially supportive, but then clam up, or seem to withhold support altogether and refuse recovery-related conversation and activities. One reason, which we won’t go into here, is in the instance that they themselves are struggling with disordered eating, an eating disorder, or another facet of recovery-related work.

The second reason, which is what we will focus on for our purposes here, is because they simply DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY OR DO! In other words, they, like us, need help in navigating the complex, confusing, and fearful road ahead.

This means that, in addition to the significant and soul-crushing burden of our eating disorder, we now must also step up to the plate and teach those around us who may be willing but not yet able how to support us. This is too big of a job for us to do all by ourselves, obviously. And we have enough on our plates as it is. Yet, the fact remains. This is why, if it is possible, having an individual therapeutic relationship or mentorship/sponsorship relationship that falls outside of our relationships with family and friends can be so invaluable. Otherwise, a vicious cycle sets in (a cycle I myself experienced for several years), where, in order to get help, we have to train the helper. But we don't know how to train the helper, because we don't even know how to help ourselves. But in order to help ourselves, we need support....what a conundrum.

I struggled silently and secretly with anorexia for seven years before my first therapeutic relationship appeared. My mentor was in no way, shape or form trained or prepared for what lay ahead, but she saw clearly that I had a problem. She also recognized that, in her singular awareness that I had a problem, she was probably the person who needed to offer support while I did something about it. We both realized early on that she had no idea what to say, or how to say it, or what to do, or how to do it, but she just waded in anyway, and I was so grateful for something – anything – that felt like support, that I gladly let her come close.

My mentor was both gutsy and caring enough to reach out, and yet strong, healthy and objective enough in her own relationship with food and her body to do so without fear of falling into an eating disorder herself. She was also humbly willing to extend support to me on a trial-and-error basis, realizing in advance that some help, however imperfectly offered, was better than no help at all. And she faithfully saw me through both the anorexia and the first few years of the bulimia, persuaded me to start going to some support group type gatherings, and basically was my only close confidante for years. Without her...I don't even want to think of where I might have ended up. Luckily, I don’t have to, and, thanks in large part to her initial outreach, today I have a committed community of treatment professionals, friends and family members with whom I can openly share my recovery pitfalls and triumphs, and who are eager to offer support – without my even having to ask!

As in love, as in career, as in therapeutic relationships, all it takes is one. As you can see from the example above, we only need one quality connection in order to get the recovery ball rolling. So my suggestion, for those in our Good News community who might be experiencing the pain of rejection or silence from valued family and friends, might be to focus on only the ONE relationship that you feel has the most potential to evolve into a supportive, recovery-oriented relationship. As you do so, you must also become willing to spend a little extra time extending yourself to help that person understand how to support you.

So, if you find that you need someone to hold your hand or give you a hug, ask. If you need someone to attend a meeting with you, or drive you there, say so. If you just need a listening ear, then let the other person know, 'I just need someone who will listen.' If you need someone just to be willing to support you, even if they do not think that they are able to skills-wise, then communicate clearly about what you do need from them before assuming with them that they are right. In this way, you may discover that you have more support around you than you previously had thought. Offering someone you would like to ask for support the gift of an excellent book called Surviving An Eating Disorder: Strategies for Family & Friends, by Siegel, Brisman & Weinshel, might also be a way to open that door, push past their (rather understandable) fearfulness, and help them gain a working knowledge of recovery that would give them greater confidence as they support you.

With just a little encouragement and guidance, the person you choose to reach out to might eventually evolve into a truly supportive friend who possesses both the willingness AND the ability! Fear holds everyone back - on either side of the recovery fence. Fear of not knowing how to respond can be as powerful as fear of not knowing whether the response will meet our needs. We have to meet each other in the middle to overcome this fear. This is the only way. Not everyone in your circle will be willing, but I can almost promise you that at least one person will be! But you will never know who that person is – unless you ask them.

The Behind this Mask: there is someone real online support community has many more of these wonderful dialogues about recovery-related issues. If you are not currently a member and would like to be, please do consider joining us!

Warmly,

Shannon

If you would like to submit a question or idea for a topic you would like to see addressed in a future edition, please send it to Shannon c/o Good News HERE