What If vs. As If

Melody Beattie has a great meditation in her book The Language of Letting Go , which is one of my favorite daily affirmation series. She writes:

“What if’s” can make us crazy. They put control over our life into someone else’s hands. “What if’s” are a sign that we have reverted to thinking that people have to react in a particular way for us to continue on our course…Today, I will not worry about other people’s reactions, or events outside of my control. Instead, I will focus on my reactions. I will handle my life well today and trust that, tomorrow, I can do the same.

Lately I have begun experimenting with a new way of thinking my way through my day. I realized that my traditional pattern – to expect the worst and feel relieved when something less than that materialized – was leading me ever further away from the life my heart truly desires. I also realized that if I let my strong mind get away with this kind of thinking for much longer, it had the power to take over and destroy my life completely, just like my eating disorder had done many years past.

So one day, I woke up, stacks of affirmations books in hand, and told my brain, ‘Today you are going to Brain Boot Camp. There is no graduation. There is no early discharge for good behavior. There is no dishonorable discharge for bad behavior. You are going, and you have no choice. You are a lifer, my friend!’

Furthermore, I explained to it, ‘From now on, you will think what I tell you to think, when I tell you to think it. You will not think anything I do not authorize. You do not get to go out on pass. You do not get weekend leave. If you try to think anything that brings me down or makes me feel repetitively bad about myself and my life, I will raise the bar and your assignments will get even tougher. Do you understand, soldier?!’

Many of you probably already know that my hero is John Nash. His story is beautifully portrayed by talented actor Russell Crowe in the movie A Beautiful Mind. John’s story is my story. If I had to point to any human being and say, ‘That is how I did it – that is how I overcame my eating disorder’ – I would point to him. And he did it by sending his brain to boot camp. He did it by pointing the full intensity of his powerful mind toward the task of healing until the task was done.

John Nash had a lot at stake. He had a wonderful career as one of the most brilliant mathematical minds in history. He had a beautiful, supportive and loving wife, and a young son. He had friends and colleagues who recognized his brilliance and accepted his eccentricities. He had a lovely home in a quiet university town, and the chance to develop his ‘unique ideas’ to his heart’s content. When John first developed schizophrenia, he let it run unchecked because he did not know what he had. Because the hallucinations of his disease felt so real to him, he did not question them.

Later, when they began to significantly impact his career, his friendships, his marriage and his family’s safety, he and his wife sought help from treatment professionals. At first it was very hard for John to accept that he had a disease. Meanwhile, his doctors ran him through all the treatments of that day – heavy medications, shock therapy, and finally suggested institutionalizing John. They were doing their best with the limited knowledge they had, but it wasn’t enough to restore the precious aspects of life that had become lost to John through the medications. He wanted more. He wanted more out of life than what traditional treatments and the limited ideas of others had to offer him.

After a particularly horrific hallucinogenic episode, his doctor and his wife insisted he return willingly to the institution. When he resisted, his wife told him that she could exercise her power to sign him in against his will. He looked at her and said, ‘I just need a chance. Just give me a chance to beat this. I know the power of my own mind, and I know I can do this. All I need is time.’

She gave him that chance. He threw a saddle and bridle over his runaway mind and went to work, decoding the mystery of his disease and besting it at its own game. In time, he learned to live with and around the hallucinations, although they never went away completely. He learned how to accept his limitations and still pursue and attain the life of his dreams, eventually winning the Nobel Peace Prize for his contributions, and looking out into the audience to see his loving family smiling at him.

John’s treatment team, whether they meant to or not or realized it or not, were engaged in the negative manifestation of ‘what if’ thinking. ‘What if’ the worst happens. ‘What if’ the disease doesn’t get better. ‘What if’ he can’t overcome its effects. ‘What if’ his case is hopeless. If John had chosen to let his treatment team run the show; if he had chosen to listen to their dismal prognosis, he would have spent his remaining days locked inside an institution on heavy medications, instead of enjoying the wonderful life he has today.

This was an unacceptable option for John, so he chose a different way. He chose the road much less traveled, the path of ‘As if’ thinking. ‘As if’ thinking is a narrow, winding and uncharted road. It is a different road for each of us. And in its most positive manifestation it involves engaging our powerful and beautiful minds in thinking that postulates, ‘What will it feel like when I overcome my difficulties?’ ‘What will my life look like when I am healthy and free to create the life of my dreams?’ ‘What can I do, right here and right now, to change what I don’t like about my situation?’ ‘What possibilities exist for me that I haven’t allowed myself to consider yet?’ ‘What ELSE can I try to achieve my recovery and life goals?’

‘As if’ thinking moves us from contemplation of the problem to contemplation of the solution. It opens the door to thinking about the future. In its highest form, ‘As if’ thinking allows us to ‘think as if’ we are already living in our futures, and to feel how wonderful it will feel to achieve our goals and let that be our guide and our inspiration. When we are fully aware of how wonderful achieving our dreams feels, we have the power and strength and courage and perseverance to wake up every day and DO IT AGAIN.

‘What if’ thinking leaves us mired in uncertainty, dread, fear and doubt. ‘As if’ thinking releases uncertainty, dread, fear and doubt in favor of hope, faith, anticipation and expectation. The difference is profound. When my boyfriend breaks up with me, ‘What if’ thinking says, ‘You should’ve seen that one coming. You did it to yourself. You shouldn’t date any more. Someone else might hurt you. You will probably just choose the same man again. You are more than likely doomed to be hurt repeatedly. In order to avoid the chance of being hurt and rejected again, you need to build walls to keep men from hurting you. Next time a man asks you out, you should say no because men are all the same.’

‘As if’ thinking, on the other hand, says, ‘When one door closes another bigger and better door is already opening. I know others who have happy relationships and they all experienced break-ups before meeting their husbands. Break-ups are a part of relationship life. I can take the bad with the good, and the good with the bad. Failure is just success trying to be born in a bigger way, and I want more than what I had with him anyway. I am grateful for the opportunity to meet the RIGHT person for me now that I would not have had if I had stayed with him. The next time a man asks me out, if I like him, I will say YES in faith that I am taking another step forward toward my dream of being in the right relationship for me!’

Do you see the difference?

Where have you been bogged down with ‘What if’ thinking? What old beliefs are still running you ragged as they repeat over and over and over again in your mind? Where are you making choices that directly contradict what you really want, ‘playing it safe’ to avoid having to fall down, feel pain, cry, confront the truth about yourself or someone you care about, let go of something you wanted, or learn to be PATIENT? How willing are you to try replacing ‘What if’ thinking with ‘As if’ thinking? Where can you already see opportunities to inspire yourself to greater and greater achievement in recovery by moving from problem-thinking, or protective-preventative thinking, to solution-oriented thinking that places your dreams and goals firmly within your grasp?

It is up to you. Yes, we are blessed with so many talented professionals who understand how to treat disordered eating and addictive behaviors, and are very good at what they do. But each case is unique. YOU are unique. Your struggle, your journey, your challenges and your goals are unlike any other person’s, which means from time to time you will face seemingly insurmountable obstacles standing between you and your recovered life. Someone else doesn’t have all of your answers. Only you have all of your answers, all of your questions, and all of your solutions embedded deep within your powerful, beautiful mind.

Much love,

Shannon

If you would like to submit a question or idea for a topic you would like to see addressed in a future edition, please send it to Shannon c/o Good News HERE